just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
