I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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