The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
