I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
