Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
and you fell through a lawn chair
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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