just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
