we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
