nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
