I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize