Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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