dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
