you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
