No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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