Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
