get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
