I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i dont even know how to be here
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
