OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize