i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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