Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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