she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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