All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
