I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
