If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
