They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
