In the future we'll all be gay
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
