Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
