why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
