I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
