Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
