did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
