Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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