When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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