i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
