did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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