We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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