when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
