so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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