Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
