upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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