Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
