I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
