you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
