I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
