last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
