I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
