Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
