1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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