My hand turned me down
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
