Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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