The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
