I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Randomize
