You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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