Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
