I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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