I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
