We're facebook friends in real life
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
