The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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