Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize