Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
