i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
