You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
two words...techno handjob
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
